In the latest episode of the “Our Story Your Story” podcast, Shelley Carney and Toby Younis discuss the profound theme of emotional denial and defense mechanisms.
This thought-provoking discussion centers around Chapter 9 of “A Gypsy’s Kiss” titled “Breakout,” shedding light on the importance of exploring and understanding these complex emotional responses.
Watch the video or download the podcast episode.
Don’t miss this enlightening episode of “Our Story Your Story” as it unravels the layers of emotional denial and defense mechanisms, offering a path towards personal growth and healing. Tune in and embrace the transformative power of self-reflection and emotional understanding.
Read along as we navigate the valuable insights shared in this captivating episode.
Emotional denial and defense mechanisms serve as protective barriers that shield individuals from confronting difficult or painful emotions.
When faced with overwhelming feelings, such as grief, loss, or trauma, our natural instinct may be to deny or minimize these emotions as a means of self-preservation.
Defense mechanisms like blaming others, redirecting anger, or suppressing emotions can temporarily alleviate discomfort, allowing us to maintain a sense of control. However, prolonged reliance on these mechanisms can hinder personal growth and healing.
Understanding and unraveling our emotional denial and defense mechanisms is a vital step toward embracing vulnerability, fostering authentic connections, and embarking on a journey of self-discovery and emotional well-being.
By exploring these patterns, we can learn to navigate our emotions with greater awareness, compassion, and resilience, ultimately creating space for healing and personal growth.
In this podcast episode, we uncover the layers of emotional denial and defense mechanisms, particularly focusing on how children may project their emotions onto the remaining parent following the loss or separation from the other parent.
We emphasize the significance of learning how to express and work through emotions, highlighting that it is not something typically taught in our upbringing.
“When we’re younger, we don’t know how to express or work through our feelings because nobody really teaches us that. Hopefully, by the time we get to our current age, we’ve figured out how to deal with our emotions, and how to express ourselves. That is personal development.”—Shelley Carney
Exploring personal development materials and seeking counseling or coaching offer essential tools for this journey.
“With time, of course, comes the knowledge of life. Death is part of life. It comes sooner or later for everyone. Then you learn how to deal with it progressively better. At some point, I became neutral to the concept of grief.” —Toby Younis
Reflecting on grief encompasses both the struggles and the growth that accompany the journey of loss.
When faced with the profound pain of losing a loved one, we often find ourselves grappling with a range of complex emotions, from deep sorrow and loneliness to anger and confusion.
The process of grieving can be a challenging and deeply personal experience, as we navigate through the waves of grief that ebb and flow. However, amidst the struggles, there is also room for growth and transformation.
Over time, as we allow ourselves to fully express and process our emotions, we begin to gain insight, wisdom, and resilience. We learn to find meaning in our loss, cherish the memories, and adapt to a new reality.
Through reflection and self-discovery, we discover our own inner strength and develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and others.
The journey of grieving is an opportunity for personal growth and healing, as we gradually find our way forward while carrying the love and memories of those we have lost.
We openly reflect on our own struggles with grief and share how time and experiences have helped us gain a deeper understanding of death and its impact.
“We have to look at our emotions and not just cover them up with humor. I’m feeling overwhelmed today. What can I do about it? Feel the feeling, examine it, and then come up with a plan to help yourself out of it. Feeling overwhelmed usually means I’m looking too far ahead.”—Shelley Carney
We understand that expressing emotions and allowing oneself to grieve is not a sign of weakness, but rather a courageous act that leads to growth and healing.
“Life is existence, death is not. You didn’t die, so it’s not your issue. You’re alive. Your issue is life. not death.”—Toby Younis
Embracing vulnerability and humor in the face of tragedy is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit.
In the midst of heartache and pain, there is often a glimmer of light that emerges through the cracks.
By allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, acknowledge our emotions and share our experiences, we create space for healing and connection.
Humor, even in the most difficult of circumstances, can serve as a coping mechanism and a source of strength. It brings levity to the heavy burden we carry and reminds us that laughter can coexist with tears.
Embracing vulnerability and humor in tragedy is not about diminishing the gravity of the situation, but rather finding moments of solace and release. It is a testament to our ability to find resilience, lift our spirits, and find joy even amidst the darkest times.
As the episode progresses, Shelley and Toby explore the evolving emotions surrounding death and how it has softened their perspective, allowing for greater vulnerability and openness.
“I think as long as we look for the really good stuff, no matter which path we’re on, you know, we’re going to enjoy our lives.”—Shelley Carney
They share touching anecdotes where humor has unexpectedly found its place amidst tragic situations, revealing the resilience of the human spirit.
“What’s that saying? Tragedy plus time equals comedy.”—Toby Younis
Life is woven with surprising connections, and in the realm of grief, these connections can hold transformative power.
As we navigate the depths of our sorrow, unexpected encounters and long-forgotten memories resurface, offering us new perspectives on grief.
These connections act as threads that interlace our past and present, allowing us to see the interconnectedness of our experiences.
They serve as poignant reminders of the significance and impact of our loved ones, stirring both joy and sadness within us.
These surprising connections bring forth a profound understanding that grief is not linear, but rather an ever-evolving tapestry that weaves through our lives.
Through these connections, we gain insights into the intricate ways in which our grief intertwines with our personal growth, prompting us to reflect, appreciate, and cherish the memories of those we have lost.
“When I had my second child, the week before I gave birth, I was experiencing a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions every night. It’s a preparation for the birth. It’s the same as when Kevin passed. Because we grieved all along the way, it was an easier recovery.”— Shelley Carney
Life is full of surprising connections, and Shelley and Toby recount personal stories that highlight this phenomenon.
“By the time I got back from my first tour of Vietnam, I wasn’t angry at my father anymore. The energy had been used up.”—Toby Younis
Accepting responsibilities and owning emotions are crucial steps on the path to personal growth and healing.
When we face challenging situations or navigate through grief, it is essential to take ownership of our emotions and the role we play in shaping our lives.
Accepting responsibility means acknowledging that we have agency and influence over our thoughts, actions, and reactions. It empowers us to take proactive steps in processing our emotions, seeking support when needed, and making choices that align with our well-being.
Owning our emotions requires us to embrace vulnerability and authenticity, allowing ourselves to feel and express our true feelings without judgment or suppression.
By taking responsibility for our emotions, we can actively engage in self-reflection, seek inner understanding, and embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing.
Ultimately, this process empowers us to cultivate emotional resilience and create a more fulfilling and intentional life.
Shelley’s determination and growth in handling her responsibilities after her husband’s death become a focal point of the discussion.
“She’s taking care of business, and it’s really impressive to watch her every day move a little bit forward.”—Toby Younis
She and Toby stress the importance of accepting personal responsibility and making plans for personal growth, acknowledging that true growth occurs when we avoid blaming external factors.
“Getting to acceptance is your primary directive. If you can’t get to acceptance, you won’t be able to move on.”—Shelley Carney
The themes explored, such as embracing vulnerability, accepting responsibility, and learning to express and work through emotions, inspire us to embark on our own journey of personal growth and healing.
We encourage you to explore your own emotional denial and defense mechanisms, seeking opportunities for growth and understanding.
Here are three action steps you can take this week to act on the advice shared in this blog post:
Set aside dedicated time to reflect on your emotional denial and defense mechanisms.
Journal about your patterns, triggers, and any unresolved emotions. Write down your thoughts, feelings, and observations, allowing yourself to gain deeper insights into your own emotional landscape.
Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to discuss your experiences with grief and emotional struggles.
Share your reflections and seek their perspective and support. Consider engaging in counseling or coaching sessions to help you navigate your emotions, develop effective coping strategies, and cultivate personal growth.
Challenge yourself to embrace vulnerability and express your emotions in a safe and supportive environment.
Allow yourself to feel and process your grief, acknowledging that it is a natural and necessary part of the healing process.
Find healthy outlets for emotional expressions, such as journaling, art, music, or engaging in conversations with trusted individuals who can hold space for your emotions.
Remember, healing and personal growth take time and patience. By taking these actionable steps, you are investing in your well-being and embracing the transformative power of self-reflection, support, and emotional authenticity.
We hope the insights gained from Our Story Your Story provide valuable guidance to navigate the complexities of emotions that lead to a more authentic and fulfilling life.