How do we stop avoiding the actions we know we should be taking to get to our goals?
Shelley Carney and Toby Younis discuss overcoming your fears to start moving toward all your possibilities.
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What triggers fear for you?
What does fear feel like in your body?
What is your usual reaction to feeling fear?
What avoidance behaviors do you notice?
My deepest and greatest fears manifest in different ways but usually come down to these two: Not feeling safe and fear of abandonment. These fears will lead to me acting in ways that may not be in my best interest. That’s why it’s important to be aware of what causes the fear that leads to self-doubt and then avoiding the steps necessary to achieve my goals.
I believe fear is the imaginary line in the sand. When we cross over it no matter the consequences, we’ve already won.
I’m Shelley Carney and these are some of my accomplishments:
For me to do all the above, I had to overcome being an introvert and 9 on the Enneagram test. That means I had to act despite fear and self-doubt. If we want to evolve and reach our potential best self, then we have to stop avoiding and start acting.
F E A R
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
Whatever we believe is true, we will make it true. That’s false evidence. If I believe I am not good enough to write a book, then I won’t even try to write a book. So it becomes true. If I believe I will never make enough money to pay all my bills, then my subconscious will sabotage my efforts to make more money so I can prove that my beliefs are true. This is how I make false evidence appear real. Do you see this happening in your life?
Self-doubt is a less intense version of fear. We may think, “I want to build a successful business,” but when we try to take action, we look for reasons it will not work. This self-doubt crops up as a safety mechanism because we don’t want to experience disappointment. It’s easier to just stay where we are and make excuses.
Fear and self-doubt become a wall that encourages us to avoid taking action.
You end up
S T U C K
Staying
Trapped,
Unconscious &
Comfortable (while)
Kicking Yourself
When we feel STUCK, we are choosing to stay trapped. We shut down our awareness and remain unconscious of the situation. That way we don’t have to experience uncertainty and we can be more comfortable in our known situation. Yet, we end up kicking ourselves because we want life to be better. For example, I would like to lose 15 pounds and lower my cholesterol, but I’ve grown used to eating a keto diet and I worry if I change now, I’ll put on weight. I also don’t want to push myself to walk 3 to 5 miles every day. By avoiding improvements in my diet and exercise habits, I stay stuck. I make excuses about why I can’t lose weight and take medication to lower cholesterol because that seems easier. But I kick myself for not taking those healthy steps forward every time I swallow another pill.
One thing that keeps us stuck is conditioning. We have grown used to the way things are and the way they feel. Steak and bacon taste better than salad or broccoli because that’s what I’m used to eating. Popcorn and soda are standard necessities when watching a movie on the weekend. Or working at a job you’ve had for 15 years, even if you hate it, seems easier than finding a new job or starting your own business. We go through the motions of doing the things that keep us feeling safe. This is often why people look back on a time when they lost their job and say it was the best thing that could have happened to them. They became conscious to the fact that they could have left, grabbed a new opportunity and made a better life. The illusion of safety and security kept them stuck for too long.
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.
-Marcus Aurelius
We can change our habits and conditioning with the right motivation. Shining a light on the fear and self-doubt we feel can give us the confidence to try something new. I can replace the wine I like with flavored club soda and the steak with broccoli. That can become my new habit and slowly I can condition myself to open up to possibilities that I can lose a few pounds and manage my cholesterol levels without medication.
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.
–Lao Tzu
Fear of negative consequences can also keep us from reaching our goals. Often I hear myself and others say, “I know what to do. Now I just need to do it.” We fear feeling uncomfortable, uncertain, or disappointed. I feel like failing at a task or goal means that I am a loser and I will never succeed. I tell myself, “If I keep making videos on my YouTube channel, I’m just wasting my time and nobody will ever watch them, so why do it?” Or, “If I invest in this course or that software, it will just be a waste of money and my business will never grow.” Those imagined negative consequences are convenient excuses to stay stuck.
Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
—Dale Carnegie
But what if I turned those negative thoughts around and asked positive, uplifting questions instead? What if I imagined the consequences I really desire instead of the ones that I fear? I could ask, “What if I keep making videos and lots of people see them, feel better and take positive action by reaching out to work with me?” Or, “What if I invest in this course or software and it brings in new clients?” Or even, “What if all my dreams come true — I get paid for being me and having fun and it’s super easy?” I can imagine good consequences or bad ones. It’s up to me.
“There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky. And you ask, “What if I fall?” Oh, but my darling, “What if you fly?”
–Erin Hanson
There is always a choice to be made. Do I stay stuck, or do I face my fears and self-doubts and try to achieve my goals? Do I take a chance that the consequences will be painful, or do I take a chance that the consequences are amazing? Either way, I have a choice to make.
Everything you want is on the other side of fear.
-Jack Canfield
I choose to believe that life happens for me and leaning into that belief pushes me forward. I choose to live in uncertainty and discomfort for now to develop healthier habits that will improve my life long term. I trust and have faith that no matter what, I’m going to be okay, and I am the only one who can improve my life by fully exploring my potential.
We can move through the wall of fear and self-doubt into greater possibilities when we
Follow through on these action steps to develop the healthy habit of being your best, achieving your goals and visualizing your best possible outcomes.
One place you can find motivation is my free ebook “Confidence to Grow” and mini-course “The Four Stages of Confident Online Leadership.” If you’d like to improve in confidence as a leader, whether online or in person, grab these two gifts now! These tools can enhance your resolve by offering you additional ideas and examples, as well as exercises to get you moving past anxiety, self-doubt and fear.
Connect with me! Schedule a free consulting call to define your social media goals, assess your specific needs, and clarify your best options.