How do you feel when somebody really listens to you? Encouraged? Validated? Loved?
Do you know how to make others feel this way by actively listening?
I believe you cannot move forward in any relationship unless both people feel they’ve been heard.
Why Should I Listen?
We secretly wonder, “What’s in it for me?” “If I’m listening, then I’m not sharing my knowledge! People will take me for granted and forget I’m there.” This is actually the opposite of what happens.
When we take the time and effort to listen to others, we
If we want to win friends and influence people, then it’s got to be a priority to actively listen to others. Dale Carnegie explained in his iconic book that the most popular and remembered person at the party is the one who asks questions and listens with interest. Or in his words, “To be interesting, be interested.” Providing a warm, friendly, and safe place for another person to talk about themselves is the greatest gift we can give.
“If you make listening and observation your occupation, you will gain much more than you can by talk.”
—Robert Baden-Powell
How To Actively Listen
There is a difference between just paying attention and actively listening. Paying attention is just the first step.
“The art of conversation lies in listening.”
—Malcom Forbes
There are 5 Important Steps to Active Listening.
Eliminate Distractions
Have you ever watched a television show while scrolling on your phone? Did you enjoy the show? Do you even remember watching it?
When we have a conversation with somebody, it’s an opportunity to deepen our relationship with them. Putting a phone or other distraction between us will take away that opportunity. It’s important that you put away devices and focus on being present in the moment. Take a few deep breaths and clear your mind so you don’t have chatter and off-topic thoughts keeping you from hearing what your friend is saying.
Allow the time necessary so you don’t feel rushed to finish to get to your next appointment. Find a quiet space so you can easily hear everything that is said and the other person will feel they have the privacy they need to open up. Get comfortable before you begin by using the bathroom and seeing to other physical needs. (It seems whenever my mom and I talk, one of us has to cut the phone call short to run to the bathroom.)
“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.”
—M. Scott Peck
Physical Engagement
Start off by facing your body toward the speaker and making eye contact. This indicates interest in what they are saying and allows you to pick up on body language cues to enhance meaning. Lean in, especially if the other person is sharing something intimate to give them the security of privacy.
Nodding and smiling encourages the speaker to continue to tell their story, knowing they won’t be interrupted and you won’t drift off out of boredom. Voice your agreement with short phrases like, “yes,” “right,” “go on,” “then what happened?” so the speaker will know you are following along, waiting to hear more. Reach out and touch the other person’s arm, hand or shoulder when appropriate to provide physical comfort and bonding.
“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.”
—Peter Drucker
Reflective Feedback
Repeat back or paraphrase what you hear and check in by asking clarifying questions. For example, if they talk about how old they were when they started working at a particular job, you might be curious about what year that was so you can relate to their story in a more linear fashion to give you context. Society changes over the years, so knowing what year it was helps you get a sense of what the world was like when their story took place. So you could start off by repeating what they just said and finish with your question. “You were 20 years old? What year was that?” Now they know you heard what they said correctly and you want more context.
Empathize with the other person by adding comments that give clues about what you are thinking. Saying, “That must have been really difficult and draining,” allows the speaker to agree that it was or correct your impression by saying, “Actually, it was a relief, and here’s why…”
“The most basic of all human needs is to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”
—Ralph Nichols
Put Aside Judgment
Trust grows when you come to a conversation to listen without judgment. Relationships deepen because the other person knows they can share anything with you without fear of being shamed or blamed. Happiness increases as the other person realizes you can lift their emotional burden through communication and honesty comes easier between the two of you.
When you put aside judgment for another, they are more likely to do the same for you. If they do begin to judge your thoughts or actions, you can remind them that you can be more open and honest with them if they just accept you as you are. Everybody does the best they know how at the time with the tools and knowledge they have. When we accept that about each other, relationships are more supportive and happy.
“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”
—Bryant H. McGill
Share a Similar Experience
Once the person has finished talking, share a similar experience. This is not the time to “one-up” their story and emotions. It isn’t a contest to see who had the worst childhood or the greatest achievement. A story about a similar experience should help the other person feel understood and that they belong. They are not weird or crazy and everybody makes mistakes. They should feel appreciated for their honesty and validated when you share honestly with them. It may even help them uncover more details and feelings after you’ve told your story.
Relating a story where you experienced similar circumstances or emotions shows understanding and empathy, reduces shame or guilt and strengthens the bond between two people. It also reinforces learning. Let’s say a daughter comes to her mother to tell her about a recent breakup. After the mother listens to the entire story, she may ask about what the daughter learned from the relationship. The daughter may not be ready to process the learning as she is still processing the feelings. The mother can then share a similar experience, offer what she learned in the process and let the daughter know everything turned out for the best. This can bring hope to the daughter, knowing that her mother got through it with excellent results and so can she.
What Active Listening Provides
When you actively listen to peers, teammates, partners, and co-workers, it marks you as a leader. You can take all the information they’ve shared and combine it into a solution, and that makes you a leader who makes a positive difference. It also attracts others to you.
As I mentioned, we consider the person at the party who asks questions and listens to people talk about themselves as the best-liked and most attractive. When you are selling products and services, you want to attract customers, so active listening is a vital skill to hone. It gives you authority when you listen well and incorporate people’s suggestions into your programs and processes. It shows a growth mindset to come into a conversation ready to listen without judgment. People want to work with those who have this open and agile attitude.
You can encourage others to share their story with you so you can put together amazing interviews, articles, books, talks, podcasts, and courses that are brimming with relatable stories your listeners will love. Never pass up the opportunity to learn something new by actively listening to everybody.
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Active Listeners Are…
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